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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355062">cheese whiz</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliwithab/pseuds/eliwithab'>eliwithab</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Glasses, Peter Parker Acts Like a Spider, Peter Parker is a Mess, he a blind boi, hngg.. spimder pete, i know it aint canon but let the boi be blind, theres a weird stranger that breaks in, uhhh pete goes sleepy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:14:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,570</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355062</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliwithab/pseuds/eliwithab</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Spider-Man is slightly less 'man' than he should be.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Parker &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>648</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>cheese whiz</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>ok,, i know its canon that the spider bite fixes his eyesight but,,, ya boi dont care</p><p>named cheese whiz because yes</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spidey is human. Mostly. The spider bite actually <em>really</em> fucked up that fact.</p><p> </p><p>Exhibit A: His vision.</p><p>Peter is like, 99% sure he used to be able to see more than green.</p><p>He’s also pretty sure he wasn’t able to see in the dark.</p><p>It’s fine.</p><p>In the beginning, it felt like he was constantly wearing night-vision goggles, but he’s gotten used to it. However, it was <em>really </em>annoying when he needed to see color. Like now.</p><p>“Hey, Pete, which one looks better?” Tony held up two swatches. Peter stuttered. “I—uh—they look the same..?” Tony chuckled. “Haha, yeah. C’mon kid, red or purple?” Peter’s face paled. He pointed to the one on the left. “…Purple.”</p><p>“…Pete, that’s red.”</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>“Haha, I was just joking. That is <em>totally </em>what I meant. Yep.” Peter could feel the sweat on the back of his neck. Tony looked dubious, and carefully set them down. “…Right.”</p><p>Peter really hoped he didn’t get into a situation where he had to press a red button.</p><p>⋞ ⟨ ⏣ ⟩ ⋟</p><p>Peter looked down at the color-coded control panel, sweating.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Fucking fuckity fuck fuck.</p><p>Press the red button, they said! It’ll be easy, they said! Well jokes on them—<em>Peter</em> <em>can’t fucking see red! </em>“Uh, guys?” He heard the sound of battle through the intercoms. “Yes, Spider-Man?” Peter’s hands shook. “I, uh.. I’m—” He took a deep breath. “…I need help.” He said quietly, nearly a whisper. Clint laughed. “All you gotta do is press the bright red button, Spidey.”</p><p>“That’s the problem, I, uh.. Imayormaynotbeunabletoseered.” Peter eloquently burst out in a jumble of words.</p><p>There was a beat of silence.</p><p>“..And <em>why </em>didn’t you say this before?” Tony questioned. “It didn’t seem important!”</p><p>“Oh, so when we told you in the mission briefing that your <em>one </em>job was to push a button you<em> couldn't even see</em>, you thought it wasn’t important to mention that?”</p><p>“…Yes?”</p><p>Tony sighed loudly. “One minute kid, I’m coming to get you.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>⋞ ⟨ ⏣ ⟩ ⋟</p><p>Also on the topic of vision, he can’t see for shit.</p><p>You’d think that the spider bite would <em>fix </em>his eyesight, but no, if anything, it made it <em>worse!</em></p><p>He stared at the face, a few feet in front of where he was laying in his bed. Was it an intruder or a friendly face trying to wake him up? Peter had absolutely no clue. It could be the fucking president for all he knew, but right now it was just a vaguely human-shaped blob. Neither of them spoke.</p><p>“Uh.. Hi?” Peter said. They continued staring. “If you’re waiting for me to recognize you, we’re gonna be here a while because I can’t fucking see right n—” The figure sprinted off, jumping out of the window. The window which just happened to be 86 stories up. “Yeah, they fuckin’ dead.” Peter mumbled to himself. “FRIDAY, tell Mr. Stark that I’m pretty sure someone just broke into my room. But also, maybe not, I can’t see.”</p><p>Sticking his hand out from under the covers, he blindly waved his hands around until they came across a vaguely glasses-shaped object. Putting them on, Peter looked through the now shattered window. There was no dead body at the bottom, thankfully. Tony burst in. “What the <em>fuck </em>did your message mean, Peter?”</p><p>“Oh, hi Mr. Stark!” Peter waved. “Don’t ‘oh, hi Mr. Stark’ me, kid.” Tony rubbed his temples. “I swear, Pete. I’m going gray because of you.”</p><p>“Are you sure it’s because of me? Because I’m pretty sure yo—”</p><p>“<em>Yes</em>, it’s because of you, now don’t you <em>dare </em> finish that senten—”</p><p>“Looked like you had some gray hairs alrea—”</p><p>“And, you finished it. Alright, I’m gonna review the security footage.” Tony walked out. “Since when did he need glasses?” Peter could hear him mumble. He laughed, and flopped backwards onto his bed.</p><p> </p><p>Exhibit B: Chestnuts.</p><p>Walking into the living room, he was overpowered by a <em>horrible </em>smell. "What the <em>fuck!" </em>Peter yelled. Clint and Sam waved from the couch. "Hey Spidey!" They cheerfully said. "What is that <em>smell?</em>" He asked, covering his nose. "We don't smell anything?" Peter waved his free arm around. "How do you not smell <em>anything!"</em></p><p>Looking around the room, he saw nothing out of the ordinary. The kitchen was neat, with the snacks that were normally there. There was no food on the counter, not even take-out. Sam and Clint had a bowl of snacks, probably popcorn, seeing as they were watching a movie. He checked all of the cupboards again, looking for--</p><p>Wait.</p><p>They ran out of popcorn last night, and neither Clint nor Sam would bother to get more. He slowly turned around and looked in the bowl.</p><p>He was overwhelmed with a disgusting odor.</p><p>"What <em>is </em>that? It smells <em>foul!</em>" He said, pointing at the bowl. Clint looked confused. "Chestnuts. Friend of mine gave them to me." Mother. Fucker. He remembers always poking holes in chestnuts to get rid of spiders as a kid with May and Ben. How had he not seen <em>any </em>chestnuts until now? "Well, at least I know why chestnuts keep spiders away now." Peter said dejectedly, walking out of the room.</p><p> </p><p>Exhibit C: Also in the same vein, vinegar.</p><p>The Avengers all gathered around the TV, getting ready to watch a movie. They all put some snacks on the coffee table in front of them. Peter threw a couple of bags of M&amp;Ms down, like always. Tony spoke up. "Hey, I know I normally get like, popcorn, but I was lazy so I got salt and vinegar chips." Peter smiled. He hadn't had salt and vinegar chips in forever, but they were always his favorite.</p><p>Peter laid back as the movie started, and grabbed a handful of chips. He got a ton of salt on his glove, but he didn't really care. Shoving them in his mouth, rather than the delightful stinging of vinegar on his lips, he was met with an overwhelming burning feeling. He jumped up, spitting them out. They were covered in blood. The Avengers all stood quickly. "What the hell?" Peter said, confused. Someone handed him a towel and he put it on his tongue, which was still bleeding. "I had these all the time when I was a kid! What's so different now? All that happened was the—oh. The spider bite." Sighing loudly through the towel on his tongue, he dejectedly searched up 'spiders and vinegar'. Just as he thought, vinegar burned spiders.</p><p>"First it was chestnuts, then it was vinegar, what's next, <em>peppermint?</em>" He mumbled.</p><p>⋞ ⟨ ⏣ ⟩ ⋟</p><p>…It was peppermint.</p><p>He stared sadly at the platter of peppermint cookies across the room, which had once smelt heavenly, but now only burned his nostrils.</p><p>Chestnuts he was fine with—he’d never even had them before. Vinegar he was <em>okay </em>with. Peppermint was decidedly <em>not </em>okay.</p><p>Peter thought about all the times he had peppermint cookies and hot chocolate during the holidays with Uncle Ben. He grumbled. “Of course, it <em>had </em>to be peppermint.” Tony came over. “Ouch.” He said, <em>truly </em>sympathetic as he munched on a cookie, oblivious to Peter’s pain. Peter slammed his head on the edge of the couch he was sitting on.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, (not really, Peter was just getting tired of listing everything,) Exhibit D: Thermoregulation.</p><p>Spiders don’t like the cold, apparently.</p><p>Peter learned this the hard way.</p><p>He sat on top of a building, tired. Rubbing his arms, he tried to stay awake. It definitely wasn’t this cold last year, Peter thought, staring at the falling snow. For some reason, he was <em>really </em>sluggish. He felt like he was falling asleep, even though it was only 6:00 PM. Was his heartbeat always this slow?</p><p>Peter nearly fell off of the building as a loud beeping filled his ears. “What the heck!” He called out. “I apologize, Peter, but your resting heartbeat of 55 bpm indicated you were sleeping.” Karen said, her voice as warm as ever. “However, you are not sleeping, and this is not normal. Would you like me to call Mr. Stark?” Peter waved his hands around. “No, no! It’s fine Karen!”</p><p>“I apologize Peter, but I am required to notify Mr. Stark.” Peter groaned loudly, and laid back on the concrete roof, waiting for his inevitable death.</p><p>⋞ ⟨ ⏣ ⟩ ⋟</p><p>Peter woke up. He stretched his arms, yawning. When had he fallen asleep? He shook his head, and opened his phone to check the time.</p><p>..That was weird.</p><p>He could’ve sworn it was the 3rd—not the 13<sup>th</sup>. Peter shook his head. He must’ve gotten the date mixed up. Pulling himself up, he realized he was in the medbay.</p><p>..Huh?</p><p>No sooner than when he had realized this, Tony walked in the room.</p><p>“Did you know spiders hibernate?” Tony asked. Peter’s face paled. “No! I swear, it isn’t like the colors thing. I had no idea! I swear Mr. Stark, I’m <em>so </em>sorry—” Tony looked taken aback as Peter babbled. “Woah, calm down kid. It’s fine, it was your winter break anyways. Just don’t fall asleep in the snow again. When it’s cold, keep your temperature up. This can't happen again.” Peter nodded quickly. They both exited the room together.</p><p>“You need to write a list of all your spidery shit..” Tony grumbled. Peter gasped dramatically. “Mr. Stark! Language!” Tony rubbed Peter's hair. “Says you.” They both laughed, and that was the end of all of the spider-related incidents.</p><p>At least, for awhile.</p>
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